In my last days.

In my last days I hope that I am at peace and feel accomplished in life. I hope that I have my loved ones by my side and that they have no regrets about our relationship. In the past few weeks I have felt lonely even when I am with the closest of my family. On my way home from work(2am) I had a vision of my past. It was me walking into Erin's room with a white sheet over him. It felt like I was living the experience all over again. It showed me grabbing his arm one last time. Erin was the father I never had even though he was my older brother. I knew no matter what I was going through he would be there to coach and guide me through it. If I needed him he was there whole hearted. When everything went bad with Erin's health I felt that I knew where I stood with him so I kinda just stayed in the background and let everyone else enjoy what I had enjoyed for years. He was a man to admire. I knew he wanted me to find a job that was more stable and that would benefit me in the long run. When I got the job at jetBlue I knew Erin was proud and happy for me in heaven. Today I realized that I really don't participate in any family activities. I feel that its part me wanting to give everybody distance that they need but I feel that it impacts the bonds and relationships that I have with my family. I know that God will work it out for me though. I feel when I put situations in his hands and pray for direction its the right direction. So yeah... If you knew Erin you knew that he was a kind hearted man that was a blessing to everyone he surrounded. Like always thanks for reading.

Clathyn

Its Christmas time again...

So again its that time of year that every child looks forward to besides birthdays and summer vacation. This year just seems more dismal than most. As most people are celebrating with family I feel alone. I know that I am loved by many but I feel incomplete. I feel like a large part of me is missing. Every time I take back Karma I feel like I am missing out on a large part of my life. I find myself not acknowledging this day as a holiday. I feel like I put on a show for Karma and that's the extent of it. I ask myself what do I need to do to get into the spirit. I really don't know how to solve it. I am thinking that next year I Am going to spend it not working in a tropical climate. Every attempt at being festive has failed. There was the attempt to go to South Carolina that failed. Then there was the attempt to go to Central park to go ice skating with karma. The weather put a damper on that. I just feel with the events of 2007 and 2008 its hard to be festive. In all my spirits I will always try and hide my true feelings to spare karma from let down.
C.3

When the outlook isnt good just make it to the mainstream and traffic will flow.

So at work I was dreading going home. The snow was everywhere. When I went to the shuttle with Kelly and Sondra there were plows driving through the tunel covered in snow. I wondered how I was going to navigate my way home in a front wheel drive car. We get on the bus and situated. As we are going down a hill there was three impreza WRX's stuck at the intersection and at this point I was ready to hit the cot at work. The bus pulled in and ALL the cars were covered in what looked to be 3 inches of snow. When I make it to the car I start to brush off the snow and it goes all over the inside of the car. The only thought going through my head that was clear was WTF? So I braved up and started to leave at a slow pace to 518. Whe I get to 518 I dont want to test the snow packed road so I go about 40 MPh thinking this hour and a half drive is going to be three hours. As I start to merge onto I-5 traffic seems to be going about 20 mph faster. So I am going about 50 at this point wanting to be as safe as I can be. Once I got to Federal way the roads were bare and wet. My mind started to make me think about life and how you have to take it slow until you get to that comfort level where you trust you and your surroundings. Lately I have been trying to find my spot in this world and this was a lesson that is going to factor into my success!
C.3

sometimes...

I wonder where I am going and what avenue am I going to use to get there. Life can honestly change on a fly. Honestly sometimes it takes some rocking of the boat to truly show you different venues in your life. God gives us the freedom of choice with multiple outcomes. I thank him for my strong opinion and the semi willingness to share. I feel that the boat of life has been rocked so I can prosper.
C.3

Tactful? I would say the truth.

So I was called out for a comment I made. I am going to stand by what I said. Not like it really matters now. A red flag waved a long time ago when you couldnt make a decision for yourself. Its all good though. I know who I truly am and wont be held back from closed minded people. You probably are going to get bent out of shape and blog about that. I am glad that the rollercoaster has finally pulled into the station.
PEACE